Whether you are engaged in a deep philosophical query or merely maintaining polite pleasantries, here are some guidelines to bear in mind to keep your conversation productive, polite, and pleasant.
A polite conversation requires a good grasp of manners, and the goal of manners is charity. Charity is to take care of those around you and to make them feel significant. The goal of a friendly conversation then, is not to keep up appearances or merely to promote your own agenda, but rather to seek the truth and to share it with the world.
Here are some rules to help with this:
No interrupting! This is Rule #1 of conversation. When you interrupt, you signal that what you have to say is more important than what is being said by others. Also, you take away other people’s opportunity to completely express themselves. Often your objection can be answered before you make it, if you only wait another 30 seconds.
Don’t do all the talking yourself. If you are speaking with one other person, a peer, you should both evenly share the amount of time approximately 50-50. In a larger group, there will always be some who dominate the conversation, and others who prefer to listen, and this is completely natural. Only be sure that you are not preventing others from chiming in.
Don’t finish other people’s sentences. When you do that, you introduce a new tangent and a new opportunity for confusion, annoyance, and argument. Give the other ample opportunity to say what he or she wants to say. Offer some help only when it is clear that the other is struggling and would appreciate your assistance.
Always give the benefit of the doubt. Too many pointless arguments have been the result of simple misunderstandings. More often than not, sensible people generally agree about things and merely disagree on the finer points. Always agree as much as you possibly can. This builds a bridge between you and your interlocuter and lays the foundation for further discussion. If you immediately disagree, you build a wall, and your partner in conversation will quickly turn into an opponent ready to defend his point of view.
Don’t change the subject. Milk the current topic for all it’s worth. Even if there is a lag in the conversation, give the other speakers an opportunity to contribute something else on topic before you introduce another subject. In general, stay on the same subject and let the others be the ones to change if they need to. Refrain from changing the subject unless it is clear that it is time to move on, but try to segway smoothly from one to the other.
Include everyone. If you need to have a private conversation, move to another location or wait for a more opportune time. Don’t whisper or speak in another language in front of others. If you seem to exclude others, you are telling them that they don’t matter.
Including everyone requires careful choice of topic. Do not spend too much time on matters that others do not find interesting or do not understand. In mixed groups, gentlemen should be careful not to overdo it with politics, sports, philosophy, or power tools. Ladies should avoid discussions of hair products, personal hygiene, gossip, and personal feelings. All of these things have their place at the right time with the right people.
Don’t raise your voice or shout. Speak clearly, and unemotionally. That does not mean that you cannot be passionate about the subject if it is important to you – only that you should not overpower the others with your intensity.
An opinion is an opinion. An opinion is not a matter of fact. You are entitled to your opinion, and others are entitled to their opinion. Your opinion is not better than their opinion, nor is theirs better than yours. If you have some expertise in the matter, state your view and present your evidence. If your listeners are open minded, they will consider your position thoughtfully. If you are confident in your own opinion then you should not feel threatened when others express their own perspective.
Do not manipulate. Do not intimidate others. Do not try to make others feel bad about themselves or pity you. Do not drop hints in a round about way; speak openly and directly.
Never ridicule another’s statement no matter how absurd. Teasing is an acceptable form off merry making and can even be a polite form of correction. But belittlement or derision is poor taste.
Don’t argue about details. The details are most likely not the issue at hand, and splitting hairs over some tangential semantics will quickly derail your progress. You will get more accomplished if you can let things go.
Take turns speaking. Don’t everybody speak all at the same time. The mind thrives on order, not chaos. A conversation is like a massive parking garage with many levels and many cars going in and out. But every car has its own parking space and only one car can come in or go out at a time. In the same way, a conversation is like an intersection. Many cars wish to proceed, but they all have to wait their turn in order to safely arrive at their destination. If all the cars rush the intersection at the same time, then no one gets home safe.
Conversation is also conveyed through body language. Eye contact, nodding, and a slight tilt in the head indicate that you are attentive and listening. On the other hand, pacing, glancing at your watch, looking around, checking your phone, indicate that you are not paying attention and take no interest in the speaker. Likewise, when you are listening, avoid doing anything that would unnecessarily distract the speaker. You should be comfortable, but not slovenly. Excessive fidgeting or adjusting of clothing should be avoided.
A well-conducted conversation is a joy when everyone carries himself virtuously and politely. Maintaining good manners in conversation is not simply a matter of etiquette but rather an opportunity for the edification of our neighbor. By following simple rules as those enumerated above, we can practice charity with our brothers and sisters, and we can make it easier for them to practice charity as well.